In education, you can’t go long without hearing about the importance of relationships. Relationships are one of the most important predictors of the success of schools, teachers, and students. While the learning and development results are the main point of education, those goals are realized more effectively and more consistently when there are strong relationships within the school.
But what do we mean by relationships and what is the real benefit of relationships? There are 4 truths about relationships that all educators need to understand.
1. Relationships are built on trust.
When someone says a student has a good relationship with a teacher, what they usually mean is that the student trusts the teacher. Trusts them with what? The student trusts them to set them up for success. The student trusts that the classroom will be consistent in the structures, supports, routines, and responses. The student trusts that when they express a concern that the adult will respond with empathy and support. When adults are unpredictable, disorganized, disinterested, and unempathetic, trust cannot form.
The same can be said of the relationships between adults in the building. When you look at a list of the top behaviors of good team players and professional educators, these behaviors often are things that increase the predictability and consistency for others. People can adapt to almost anything as long as they know what to adapt to. Consistency means people can adapt to something they know. Inconsistency means they have to adapt to a new target over and over again.
2. Relationships are in constant decay.
I hear people from time to time talk about a strong relationship they have with a student and then learn that they haven’t had a meaningful interaction with the student in several weeks or months. It is a given that the trust today is not as strong as on the day of the last interaction. This is because relationships are constantly in decay. This means that in order for relationships to hold up, we must maintain them. (More on how to maintain them in number 3).
Even strong relationships decay, though the strength and length of a relationship affect how quickly a relationship decays. Long-term friends and family are often able to pick back up after long breaks as if nothing changed, while random dormmates from college may drift away. The expectations of the people in the relationship also impact how well it will weather gaps in interactions. If one person was expecting frequent communication but didn’t receive it, they will not hold the same trust in the other person, as if they had no communication expectations. Mismatched expectations can lead to conflict that can quickly wash away the relationship.
3. Relationships are based on the quantity and the quality of interactions.
It’s no surprise that more time spent together can build trust between two people. There are many other factors that can impact how one person trusts the other, but the biggest factor is simply how much time they are together. If you want to improve the trust others have in you, spend more time with them.
What can be a surprise to people is that the quality of the interaction is also critical in the development of strong bonds. What do I mean by quality? The quality of an interaction for someone is based on how much time was spent on things they wanted to spend time on. For someone who simply values the presence of another person and a quiet activity, just sitting and watching a video together can be a high-quality interaction. For others who want more communication, they will value conversation more. And they will value conversation about topics that interest them even more.
One way to assess the quality of interactions with a student, a staff member, or a colleague is to ask, “During that interaction, how much did we focus on what I wanted vs. what they wanted?” The best relationships form when both of these things are the same thing, but no two people have precisely the same interests. If a teacher only interacts with a student about math and the student has no interest in math, then the relationship is going to be tougher to develop. However, if the teacher takes time to ask about the student’s interests or gets to know more about them, then that interaction will add to the trust building. For administrators, the same thing applies to our relationships with teachers and parents.
4. Relationships are restorative.
The biggest reason that relationships (and trust) are so important in schools and other organizations is that relationships allow for more forgiveness and more tolerance between people. All relationships in education are within the context that we are trying to meet learning and development goals for students. We are trying to turn students into successful high school graduates who contribute meaningfully to society. There are high stakes that we must achieve.
This can mean that sometimes we push people toward tasks and performance levels that are uncomfortable. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we say things that are harsher than we intended. Each time we do this, it can take a chunk out of the trust between the teacher and the student or the administrator and the teacher.
The strength of the relationship at the time of that interaction is critical to the next behavior demonstrated by the student (or staff member). Will they choose a behavior that moves them closer to the desired goal or will they disengage?
It is also critical to the ability of the relationship to withstand the conflict that might arise from the mismatch in expectations. Strong relationships can weather the onslaught and even strengthen if the push leads to a positive outcome. A coach who pushes an athlete toward a lofty goal will be more successful in future pushes if the athlete achieved their goal. As educators and leaders, we must learn to find the right amount of push to get the best outcomes, but we can also rest in the fact that our relationships will allow us to withstand missteps we might make along the way.
So what are your thoughts on the value of relationships? What other truths about relationships would you add to this list?